


Just best friends

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Tarja Turunen - Fandom, Within Temptation (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 15:44:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12684909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: Dealing with my sexuality made me think about Sharon a lot. What has happened between us. And I came to a conclusion.





	Just best friends

I rolled over, hearing the quiet breath of my husband. Again I've had this dream, this super strange dream ... I tried to sit up but my head wouldn't let me. I've had a few drinks too much the day before, gosh, would Marcelo make fun of me tomorrow. I sighed and crawled closer to the figure next to me. Usually he snored so loudly that I needed earplugs but today his breath was soft and quiet ...  
I wrapped my arm around him, pulling him against my own body.  
He felt different as well ...  
Maybe I was still dreaming? I've been dreaming of that certain beautiful Dutch singer a lot lately.  
... the same Dutch singer who was currently lying by my side.  
Without a word she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. I felt like I was sinking inside her warmth, her big bosom, her soft curves. Her lips claimed mine and soon our tongues were busy dancing a heated dance of love.  
This hadn't been a dream.  
Sharon was here. Next to me. Over me. Kissing me.

The next morning we acted as always. Shy. We didn't even look at each other, no eye contact at all. Just as if it was embarrassing, just as if what had happened was bad. Or forbidden.  
"See you soon?" I asked hopefully, eager to make the other singer smile. But Sharon didn't even move her lips, she just nodded. Shortly. My heart ached. "Hey ... I know it's strange ..." I took her hand but Sharon pulled it away.  
"See you soon, Tarja. I promise," she said without looking at me. I couldn't help it, I needed to hug her.  
So I hugged her, inhaling her scent one last time. "I'll miss you ..."  
Sharon didn't reply, there was only a trail of wetness running down my shoulder, dripping into my hair. Sharon was crying.

It didn't get easier.  
I missed her more and more and Sharon seemed to ignore my messages. After the last time we had met, everything had gone downhill.  
I drifted away from my family, away from Marcelo. Naomi was still my everything but I also drifted away from her.  
I spent my days listening to Within Temptation, writing new songs. Dark songs. Songs of unrequited love. I reminded myself of Tuomas as he had gone through a similar thing. Self hate, unrequited love and sadness. Marcelo blamed lack of sunlight for my mood but I declined the vitamin D pills he bought for me.  
"I'm melancholic," I said but Marcelo knew me well.  
"No. You're a happy person. You're always laughing, you're always smiling ... You're my sunshine."  
He tried to take my hand but I pulled away.  
"Don't touch me, please. I can't."  
"I - I just wanted to take your hand ..."  
I avoided his look. Last time someone had touched me ... it had been two slim hands. Long fingers. Long, manicured nails. Nails that had grazed and scratched my sensitive skin.  
Last time someone had kissed me it had been female lips. Beautiful, soft, well tasting lips. She had worn light pink lip gloss that had tasted like raspberries. Pretty intensive, must have been an aroma.  
I buried my face in my hands. "Leave me alone," I begged.

I walked out of the doctor's office, a prescription in my hands.  
My eyes were hanging on those little words on the sheet.  
Cipram 10mg  
Antidepressant  
1/0/0  
If needed, increase to 1/1/0  
I was so close to tearing this stupid paper apart. I had asked the doctor to give me something for my mood. And what did I get?! Antidepressants! Gosh.  
I have no idea why I didn't tear the prescription apart.  
I have no idea why I went to the next pharmacy to buy the tablets.  
I have no idea why I carried them home ... or took one of them ...

Week for week I got my tablets. I couldn't imagine living without them anymore. They made me happy, whilst my world felt gray and sad without them. I tried not to think about Sharon but failed madly, of course.  
She was touring with her band and she was also touring in Spain. She wasn't far away from me, in Seville, but I didn't care. Or at least I tried. No - I pretended. I really did care, so I took a second tablet.  
If needed.  
Right now it was needed very much.

But Sharon wanted to see me.  
I was excited as she asked me to drop by, her and the whole band. Of course I agreed and started cleaning the whole house. I screamed at my husband, who had left his socks on the floor again, shooed him away from the couch. I called him a couch potato and threatened to divorce him if he didn't pick up his stupid socks immediately. Marcelo seemed happy about that, he thought I was back to my own self. But I wasn't - my shadow self was still taking over.  
A day later they were here, tanned and still exhausted from their concert the previous day. I filled wine in glasses and brought them outside, my heart racing inside my chest.  
There she was.  
Her hair was longer, wavier, her face was older. She looked gorgeous.  
"Tarja!" Ruud roared. "Gosh, you're beautiful!"  
I blushed.  
"Great to see you but even greater to see you carrying red wine!" Robert laughed loudly and pulled his Sharon close. A sudden burning arose in my chest - why was Robert here?! Shouldn't he be with their children??  
With a frozen smile I placed the tray on the table.  
"Help yourself," I said too unfriendly. "Great to have you here."  
Sharon was the only one who seemed to notice.

"How are you?" she asked later. It was dark already, dark but warm. I loved Spanish summer nights, they never cooled down.  
"I'm fine," I replied. Sharon didn't believe me.  
"Marbella is beautiful," she whispered.  
"You're more beautiful," I whispered back and smiled as her cheeks blushed.  
"Tarja ..."  
"What? Can't I compliment my best friend?"  
"Best friend?" I could hear sadness in her voice.  
"What else? You don't want me any other way ..."  
Sharon didn't reply. Instead of that she pulled me close and hugged me. I hugged her back, silent tears streaming down my face.  
"I have to take antidepressants," I whispered. "I have to take them everyday ..."  
"Oh god," Sharon whispered and cupped my face. Gently she wiped my tears away and kissed my lips. "Why, love?"  
"I don't know ... I usually feel unhappy. Right now though I feel totally ... happy... I need you, don't leave me ..."  
Sharon didn't reply. But she kissed me. She pulled me away from the house, far far away. We were standing somewhere close to the water now, I could hear the waves and smell salt. Taste salt as she kissed me. My tears or hers? Probably both.  
Her lips were hot, her tongue was demanding. And so were her hands. She had inserted them under my dress, had unclasped my bra and was currently feeling, caressing, massaging my breasts. Drawing circles around my nipples.  
"Shonnie, were at the beach ..."  
Sharon ignored me. Her hot lips travelled down and sucked on my skin. I gasped quietly. What was she doing ... I haven't had enough alcohol yet ...  
But I didn't need wine.  
Not at all.  
I let Sharon do whatever she wanted to do; and it seemed that Sharon wanted me a lot right now.  
She fell on her knees and pushed my dress up, pulled my panties down. I closed my eyes. Not here ... what if Marcelo or a guy of her band found us ...  
Sharon really didn't seem to care. She took my left leg and placed it on her shoulder. She grabbed my hips, clenching the hem of my dress so it couldn't fall down.  
Then she started. She kissed my inner thigh, nipped my flesh, breathed against my private area. Then, without a warning, she trailed her tongue along my entry, parted my lips, inserted her tongue deeply.  
My mind was turning. I haven't had much wine but it certainly felt like it. I put my hand on the back of her head and moved my pelvis against her mouth. I moaned quietly while enjoying the sensation of her tongue deep inside of me. Not getting enough, I added my own hand to the game, pressing and rubbing my clit. I soon came, quietly, trying to hold my breath. I let out a sound which sounded not really humanly in my own ears but I didn't care.  
I was having an orgasm on the shore of a little town in Spain.

We returned a while later, trying not to look too happy or in love. But fact was, we had finally exchanged love declarations. Sharon had started, which had made me very happy.  
But we both knew:  
As soon as we returned, we had to act like just best friends again.  
It was hard but we succeeded. And the guys were drunk enough not to notice.

But the happiness ended quickly.  
The band and my love left the day after. They had a concert in Madrid and they had to leave at five in the morning.  
Totally hungover were the guys, totally sad were Sharon and I.  
We shared one last kiss before they left, shared one last "I love you."  
Then they left.  
And I swallowed an antidepressant. 

Days later I tried to find out what I was. Was I bisexual? Because I was still interested in men. But why wasn't I interested in other women?  
I tried it, took Marcelo out and tried looking after men and women.  
There were men that I could imagine having sex with. But no women.  
Beautiful women but the only thing I thought was "stupid bitch." There was no "I want to sleep with you" thought.  
It was strange. How could I say I loved Sharon if I wasn't interested in women?  
Maybe Sharon is a guy, I thought and had to laugh a second later. I knew for sure that she wasn't.  
"What's so funny?" Marcelo asked. He was smiling. He always smiled when I laughed. I knew he was worried about me, wanted to help me so bad. If he only could ...  
"Nothing. I just remembered that we haven't had sex in months," I said and my husband laughed too. It wasn't funny at all but he was obviously glad that I was laughing.  
"Wanna change that?"  
"Oh yes."

I had to tell him. He deserved to know. He was a good man. He wanted only the best for me.  
So I took him aside. Weeks had passed after Sharon had left and I missed her more and more. The depression came back and my mood went darker. Marcelo became sadder too. I could tell he had no idea what was wrong with me, so I told him. He was my husband. He loved me. He would understand.  
"Can we talk?"  
Marcelo smiled and opened his arms for me. "Come here," he said gently. "I'm glad you're opening up."  
I nodded. "I'm so confused," I said.  
"Why?" Marcelo stroke my head.  
"Because I think I don't love you anymore."  
He was totally quiet.  
Stopped stroking me.  
I continued.  
"For a while I was very confused with whom and what I wanted. And dealing with my sexuality made me think about Sharon a lot. What has happened between us. And I came to a conclusion. I'm not into women - but I'm in love with Sharon."  
"I know," Marcelo replied softly and I looked up.  
"Huh?"  
"I'm not stupid. I know you. You haven't loved me anymore for a while now. Ever since you started collaborating with Sharon, that was when you fell for her."  
My eyes were filled with tears. "That's right! I had no idea you knew ..."  
"Of course. You drifted away from me ever since. You don't have to love women to find your soulmate. And for you it's Sharon."  
"So you let me go?" I asked hopefully and Marcelo looked at me.  
"If Sharon will come to claim you, I'll let you go. Until then I can't let you go. I need to pay attention to you."

I was in his arms.  
My eyes closed.  
I hoped my angel would come soon to claim me.


End file.
